I have just accepted a concert gig that puts some fear into me. My last 2 concerts were less than amazing (according to me.) I have developed a strange form of stage-fright. I can't feel it at all on a conscious level. In other words, all past symptoms of stage fright (numb hands, dry mouth, shaking knees -oh yes it really happens, having to pee, nausea are NOT present. Instead I feel perfectly capable, prepared, confident, and ready to sing. Cocky, huh? It has taken me 25 years to get there. Except I haven't. I just think I have in the part of my brain that is aware and has thoughts. But apparently, unbeknownst to my waking self, I am terrified and convinced I suck. Because what happens is in the middle of a phrase, my larynx will suddenly try to leave my body through my throat. It does not feel nice. And when it happens, the fear of the unknown (can I even finish the phrase?) takes over completely. For several phrases after this happens, my brain goes to survival mode, trying to assess the damage. Then on another track, the fantasy thoughts of leaving the stage or just lying down right there begin. I clearly see myself just walking out with no explanation. Bye-bye audience, I am outta here. But then there will be a break in the vocal part, a piano interlude, and I will swallow and/or try to focus. But from that moment on, just the hint of the fear of it happening again makes every high note treacherous. This happens with no warning.
It's very hard to deal with an invisible, unconscious threat!!
So the next gig is my chance, in front of lots of people, twice, to have an experiment. I have not decided what the experiment is exactly, but I intend to get to the bottom of this. Or at least the lower middle of it.
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